An Open Letter to Kate Winslet and Kelly MacDonald

Kate and Kelly:

My sympathies and encouragement to you.   I am writing that in this time of tragedy and need, I am there for you, Kate Winslet, star of Titanic, and you, Kelly MacDonald, star of Trainspotting.

I am there for you.   

Oh, I doubt you actually need my assistance in the courageous and heroic things you must be doing in defense of Britain right now.  I suspect that even as I write, you must be bustling about in Churchillian fashion, doing everything you can to shore up the defenses against further tube bombings and V-2 Rocket attacks. 

I can imagine that you are helping others to haul heavy sacks of sand and stone as barricades against the threatening hordes, sweat glistening on your brows, and the napes of your necks, and the supple, alabaster plains beneath your clavicles.  Or perhaps standing guard for Civil Air Defense, wearing your Doughboy helmets and loose-fitting, white tank tops, damp from perspiration and pressed against your heaving breasts, whistles at the ready.  You serve your countries well.

No, I cannot assist you in the active defense of your nations, but perhaps there is something else I can do.  In these trying times, we Americans long to help.  Indeed, I yearn to ease your burden, if ever so slightly. 

Therefore, Kate, ethereal star of Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, and Kelly, wee star of The Girl in the Cafe, I offer you my services in the coming weeks and months and years.  I will do what I must, he sighs, to help you through this trying period.  I feel there is much I can offer.

Dearest Kate, surely your feet tire from standing guard in defense of England. Here, let me lovingly massage them with my hands, kneading the flesh with my strong but nimble fingers.  What's that, you say?  Shall I suck this toe?  Why, but of course.  For I am only too happy.

Darling Kelly, surely your toiling in the rescue efforts in the Underground have left you exhausted and dirty.  Shall I draw a bath for you?  And help you to wash away the hot tears of anger at the outrage of such attacks?  Perhaps your hot tears rolled carelessly to the small of your back.  Here, let me sponge them for you, dousing them with milky bath water and later drying them--and the rest of your tired body--with a soft towel and, in those hard to reach places, my exploring, eager tongue.

Yes, it is a time for sacrifice, and I would give myself willingly in these or other similar chores, if they would only ease your tension, and assist Britain.  And while such selfless giving may exhaust me, I feel it is my duty to shoulder my share of the burden. 

Really, it's the least I can do.

Say the word, Kate, star of Heavenly Creatures, and Kelly, star of Finding Neverland, and I am on the next flight to Heathrow, ready to throw myself into the effort.

God save you, and God save the Queen.

Your Most Obedient Servant

Comments

[billy]

Wow, is this massively moronic. How delightful, and what a pleasant distraction!

But, alas, that's all it is...